Schizophrenia

I sometimes think I'm leading two very separate existences. This weekend I went out with A; we had a lovely meal and then went to a concert. I felt like a grown-up, I felt that I was me and not someone's mum or teacher or ex-wife. The fact that I'd spent the whole day asleep was irrelevant (my mother would say what a waste of a day but A said I wouldn't have slept if I hadn't needed to).

Yesterday, I went out with the other two As; we met for a drink, then went for a meal, and again I felt that life is good. However, today I wasted another day. I did build a bookcase (Ikea - marvellous) and I did, therefore, sort out the books in the two bedrooms, ready for the arrival of Little Bro next weekend. After that initial burst, I waited. Waited for the hire car to be collected. Waited for my car to be returned. Why did I wait? Why didn't I do anything? I just curled up on my bed with the kittens and played on Jen's Nintendo DS. Then, when I eventually went downstairs I watched junk on tv. I suppose it was inevitable that I didn't go to school, as planned, and didn't make it to the shops, so therefore had to order a balti (delivered, of course).

Then my mother phoned, just as I was attempting to tidy the study. One bin bag later (I was multi-tasking) my mum had successfully made me feel very guilty about the fact that she and dad are losing their key holder (an interesting title for Little Bro) since he is coming to live with me, and they are now abandoned to old age and the horrors of sheltered housing. I did remind her that I'd invited her here for Mothering Sunday, but she thinks it'll be too much for them after their jaunt in London. I think I blew it when I told her that Little Bro and I take our responsibilities seriously and we will make sure they see one or both of us regularly. My balti arrived at the point when she was expressing her anger at being viewed as a responsibility. Save by the curry...

So suddenly I'm divided again. Someone's daughter.

I'm struggling to resist the temptation to run away. With the kittens. And some chocolate. And Jen.

Perhaps then I'll work out which one is me.