Failure

I have been mulling over the feelings of inadequacy that sometimes overwhelm me and I've realised that a failed marriage is probably the worst failure of all. It is massive - you promise to love someone, through thick and thin and all the other stuff you promise on your wedding day, and then, well, then you don't.

A failed marriage leaves so much devastation in its wake, especially if there is a child involved. I don't think a child ever gets over the pain of their parents' separation. Little E only wants two parents and she wants them to live together. She doesn't want her weekends divided between two places, she doesn't want two homes, two bedrooms, two sets of rules. She only wants one. She doesn't want the hell of not being able to be with both parents at Christmas and birthdays. In the future she'll have to think twice about her own plans for birthdays, or who she spends the holiday with. All because of our failure.

Was the failure actually getting married? Looking back, it was. So then, I have to live with having made a disastrous decision, failed to notice that he wasn't 'The One', failed to realise that I was so much better off being single - just like I had always wanted. I never wanted marriage, or children - I loved being single. So was this just my failure?

That's an awful thought for a Sunday afternoon.